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Let’s (Finally) Talk About the Differences Between Free Time and Availability

Post author By Consultant
Post date 11:33 pm

It’s time to stop blending your availability with your free time.

By Olivia Verhulst, LMHC at Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness, P.C.

Many things have felt blurred during this pandemic as we work from home, play from home, educate our kids from home, and so on and so forth. The blurriness continues to manifest (at least for me) as… What day is it? What time is it? What YEAR is it?

Something that may have already been blurred for some of us pre-covid is our free time and availability.

Do you constantly pick up that call from your boss in the evening hours, long after you’ve closed the laptop for the day?

Is it implied within your work setting that if you aren’t responsive outside of work hours, that you’re doing something wrong? Or falling short?

Do you block off time on your calendar for personal endeavors or time off, yet you’re frequently reached out to?

Are you regularly working extra uncompensated hours that weren’t in the job description?

Is it you (or your anxiety) that has created a narrative that to make yourself available at all hours of the evening and weekend for work is to be an all-star employee?

Have you come to the end of the year and realized that you never took your vacation days?

Are there often expectations being put on you (by you, your family, friends, group chats, work-life) that just because you may have physical access to your phone, you should be immediately responsive?

Do you feel the need to be perpetually productive and ‘there for others’ to be “good”?

If you are YES-ing the crap out of this and nodding your head, it’s possible that a boundary-less relationship has been developing between your free time and availability- or it may be a relationship that lacks intention.

There’s several reasons your free time may often feel compromised or confused with your availability. To name a few:

You may be in a work culture that perpetuates and normalizes burn-out.
Your flexible and remote work-from-home hours lack structure.
You’re acting on anxiety that manifests within a high-achiever, perfectionist or people pleasing mindset.
(Ex. If work is one of the few places you derive great significance in your life, it can feel complicated to put that down and be left with all the other parts of yourself that you may like to distract from)
You (or those around you) struggle with boundaries.
You’re doing too much at once.
You don’t feel deserving of the peace and self-prioritization that comes with balance.
(Dr. Ruifan Zeng, Ph.D shares one example, “I find that with many of my clients from immigrant backgrounds where they grew up in a culture of sacrifice, there’s a deeply ingrained sense that having free time means you are available for more work, more giving of yourself in some way, rather than simply being allowed to be ‘free’ for the sake of it.”)

The inability to prioritize the self-care that comes with free time can have devastating impacts on mental health in the long run. Often I see these consequences on people and patients in my life looking like burn-out, resentment, anxiety, depression, identity issues and more. And while “burn-out” may be an expression thrown around left and right these days, what’s behind the trendy term is a very real and dangerous phenomenon. Perhaps the most dangerous part being how embedded into our culture and routine burn-out may already be, disguised as normal, and oftentimes glorified. If you’re struggling with boundaries or making time for you, what is certain is that you’re not alone- and that it’s not easy. But practice makes good enough (HA! you thought I was going to say perfect. The goal is always good enough). Distinguishing the differences between your free time and availability can help foster self-preservation and other protections that prevent burn-out.

Below are five tips on how to implement boundaries between your free time and your availability:

1. Schedule your free time.

It’s common to spend so much time in life scheduling your professional goals and obligations, and letting life unfold around them. Sometimes we need to aim the same mindfulness toward our leisure time, to implement more meaning around that. During this time, you may want to set a boundary with yourself that you won’t be responding to or showing up for other people.

2. Set the tone.

Sometimes this looks like slipping into your robe or go-to PJ set after work. Other times it looks like a personal ‘no phone’ rule, lighting candles to set your space up, putting Slack on silent over the weekends, or simply leaving the room you just worked from all day. Taking a walk outside after work and before leisure time can help break-up the day too and allow you to shift from work mode to you-time.

3. Be aware.

Having self-awareness for how your routine is impacting you; what’s feeling right, what’s feeling uncomfortable, where you feel over-extended (and why) is key. This will help name what areas of your life you’re needing more balance in, as well as foster long term changes. It can also help grow clarity around the distinctions between your free time and availability.

Kelsey George, M.S. and CYT (certified yoga teacher) identifies her free time by when she’s feeling liberated with choices. “Free time comes with choices. Deciding how you want to spend your time, and deciding how and if you’d like to make yourself available to others.”

On the other end, David Coen, LMHC and mental health expert, gives an example of awareness around his availability during the work day. “If I don’t have any meetings from 12-2pm that time is available, but not free for me because I have that time dedicated to work. I will spend it doing notes or admin, but have not necessarily decided the specific use of the time.”

4. Set the standard up front.

When you’re entering into a new friendship, job or community is a great time to shed light on your boundaries with others. This doesn’t need to always look explicit. Sometimes it can look like setting a tone of not being overly available or responsive at all hours of the night. Expectation management is also an important part of initial relationship building, and asking questions around what balance looks like in a new setting can help set you up for success.

5. Don’t be afraid to change the standard- or to start having the uncomfortable conversations.

So often I speak with people who are navigating deep discomfort by avoiding the tough conversation about boundaries with their boss, parent or friends, because it feels too late to change a dynamic, and as if they’re going against the grain. A reminder that it’s never too late to reclaim your you-time, and that just because others may disagree with your boundary doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I asked some mental health experts in my network how they distinguish between free time and availability to deepen the distinction here between the two.

“Free time is for you. Availability is time we create in our schedules that can be dedicated to someone else.” – Ali Morea, LMHC

“Just because we have free time does not mean that it has to be allocated to something. Often, we get into cycles where we believe that we have to constantly be productive, but the reality is that we still have ownership over how we use our time. There’s a difference between capacity and capability. We might be capable of accomplishing a task, but that does not necessarily mean that we have the cognitive, emotional, or physical capacity to embrace the task and then still have energy reserves for ourselves.” – Dr. Erica T. Harris, Ph.D.

“Free time to me is how I want to allocate my time outside of work and other responsibilities, and often times, I’d like to spend that time taking care of myself and recharging.” – Zainah Ben Essa, MHC- LP

“Free time is any period that is unencumbered by obligations or expectations. I consider “availability” to be open time slots on a calendar that one is able and willing to dedicate to something or someone if needed.” – Antonia Martinez, MHC-LP

“Free time is without restraint or expectations, allowing you to melt into your life with a sense of adventure. Availability means knowing you have space but also acknowledging that there is potential for disruption- or for holding space for energy that is not your own.” – Eden Bellow, LMSW

“Availability refers to openings in someone’s day that they are willing or interested to lend to another person. Free time is for “me” and not necessarily for “you.” – Brian Levkovich, Psy.D

“Just because you have available time in your schedule, doesn’t mean you’re actually available.” -Camille Armando, LMHC

———

Olivia Verhulst, LMHC at Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness, P.C.
Advocate for reducing shame over mental health and trauma. Lover of the inner-work, and her cat Madonna.

As a therapist, Olivia’s goal is to help you to explore the roots of your feelings in attempt to understand yourself better, challenge you in a unique and collaborative way and work proactively toward everyday solutions. Olivia has experience in working with diverse populations, genders and age groups while maintaining an individualistic and culturally sensitive approach tailored to each patients needs. Olivia’s objective is to bring a sense of genuineness and authenticity to her work, committed to a safe and open therapy environment.

Originally published on https://thriveglobal.com/

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When women small business owners thrive, we all thrive

Post author By Consultant
Post date 12:40 pm

October was National Women’s Small Business Month, a time to celebrate the importance of women-owned businesses. But our commitment to supporting women small business owners should not stop after October 31st.

Small businesses are the engine of New York City’s economy, and women play a critical role in kickstarting that engine. New York City is home to approximately 359,000 women-owned businesses, comprising 32% of all the city’s businesses. It is imperative, both for the sake of hard-working women business owners and for the success of the larger economy, to support female entrepreneurship. In short, when women-owned small businesses succeed, the entire economy succeeds.

But being a small business owner is not always easy, especially for women of color like myself. As a Guyanese-American immigrant and one of the first in my family to earn an advanced college degree, I’ve had to overcome systemic barriers at every step toward becoming a successful businesswoman.

Through founding my psychological services company, Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness, P.C, I’ve experienced first-hand the challenges of starting a business. My years of being a practicing clinical psychologist could not prepare me for the challenges ahead. Starting out, I lacked a network of well-connected business mentors or formal business training, and I faced barriers due to my gender and ethnicity in the male-dominated business world. My story is unfortunately part of a larger trend that women of color face.

Women business owners deal with unique challenges, between balancing our businesses with childcare and other family obligations, and managing gender-based discrimination at every step in our careers. We do not look like the stereotypical face of the business world, yet we are essential to it – creating millions of jobs and fueling the economy.

The devastating impacts of the pandemic only exacerbated the systemic barriers that women entrepreneurs face. Recent research from Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses found that 48% percent of women-owned small businesses are struggling financially due to the pandemic, compared to only 39% of male-owned small businesses. As our City looks toward recovery, investing in and supporting women-owned small businesses must be a priority.

We need to equip women business owners with practical tools for financial literacy and business know-how. We must nurture networks of women entrepreneurs and mentors across the nation. The pandemic cannot deal a final blow to the small business fabric of New York City. Now more than ever, we need to create good jobs, stimulate spending, and provide the services, culture, and entertainment that make our city great. These cannot exist without women-owned businesses.

A new month is here and National Women’s Small Business Month is over. That does not mean that our leaders’ commitment to the growth of female entrepreneurship should be over too. The success and future of New York City is dependent on it.

Dr. Nathilee Caldeira is the founder and director of Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness, P.C. and a graduate of the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses Program.

https://www-amny-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.amny.com/oped/op-ed-when-women-small-business-owners-thrive-we-all-thrive/amp/

Tags Dr. Nathilee Caldeira, National Women’s Small Business Month, small business owners, small business owners thrive, women

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7 nuggets of knowledge every therapy client should consider

Post author By Consultant
Post date 1:34 am

Naomi Root, LMSW

Have you ever wondered how therapists actually maintain confidentiality? Maybe you’ve heard of HIPAA, the Health Insurance Portability Act. HIPAA is federal law, and it protects the privacy of your medical records and other personal health information. Your information belongs to you, and your therapist is required by law to maintain the privacy of this information, only to be shared in special circumstances.

Generally, interactions that take place outside of the therapeutic space should be limited to protect professional boundaries and maintain confidentiality. Let’s dive a little deeper…

In what circumstances can a therapist disclose my information?

HIPAA laws are designed to protect your privacy. If a therapist believes that a client presents a serious and imminent threat to themselves or others, necessary information is disclosed to persons whom the therapist believes can prevent or lessen the threat of harm. Under all other circumstances a therapist cannot disclose any information or your health records unless you give permission for disclosure.

Texting is tempting

Texting with your therapist between sessions may seem like a convenient way to check in or to ask follow-up questions. If you’re texting or emailing your therapist using your regular phone and email account, chances are your privacy is not guaranteed. Know that traditional texting is not HIPAA compliant, and could pose a serious risk to confidentiality and security. To maintain privacy, your therapist might text or email you using an encryption program, which protects messages and ensures they are for the intended recipient’s eyes only. The issue here is that encryption only works if both parties have the program downloaded or accessible on their phones or computers. If you do message your therapist be wary of the platform you’re using and consider whether the information you are sharing is highly sensitive. At Talking for Wellness we recommend limiting text messages to scheduling questions only.

Phone calls

Know the risks! Standard phone calls and voicemails are not HIPAA compliant. Many therapists will talk with you about security concerns before encouraging you to discuss highly sensitive information in a call or on a voicemail message.

Teletherapy sessions

HIPAA-compliant platforms ensure the safety and security of information exchanged between therapist and client. There are plenty of secure platforms that provide calling and video features, making teletherapy highly accessible under the proper conditions. The same confidentiality guidelines apply to teletherapy sessions, just as they would in a traditional in-office session. Check in with your therapist, or potential new therapist, if you have questions about teletherapy. At Talking For Wellness we use a HIPAA compliant platform to conduct video sessions.

What if I run into my therapist in public?

People run into each other all the time; we understand that! Do not take offense if your therapist doesn’t acknowledge you in a public place. Your therapist is bound by HIPAA, legal and ethical standards, and professional courtesy to maintain confidentiality and safety. Acknowledging a client in public poses a threat to confidentiality. Some therapists will wait for you to acknowledge before saying hi or hello while in public.

Can I friend my therapist on Facebook?

Some therapists and therapy practices maintain professional social media accounts. These accounts exist to provide information to the public about the therapy practice, and related topics. Therapists are acutely aware of professional boundaries, which is why you should not expect your therapist to be your Facebook friend, or connect with you in a way that might interfere with the therapeutic relationship. If you choose to follow professional social media accounts maintained by your therapist or therapy practice that is your decision. Do not take it personally if the account does not follow you back!

My therapist has a privacy notice in their email signature. Does this mean the email is secure?

Have you ever seen a privacy notice or a disclaimer in an email? It might look something like this, “Confidentiality Notice: The information contained in this transmission may contain privileged and confidential information…” A privacy notice, albeit well intentioned, does not ensure privacy and is not HIPAA-compliant. The best way to safeguard email transmissions is to use a secure, encrypted platform especially if you will be transmitting private health information.

These tips are here to help you and inform you! HIPAA is complex and applies to all covered entities and their business associates–which is a fancy way of saying health providers and anyone who is responsible for transmitting health information.

If you are curious and would like to learn more, I encourage you to start by speaking with your own therapist about the security and transmission of your information!

This material is intended for general information purposes and does not constitute legal advice.

Tags Teletherapy sessions

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Surviving vs. Living and Thriving

Post author By Consultant
Post date 3:43 pm

Mary Olivia Verhulst

Often living in a bustling city like Manhattan translates to surviving, or just getting by. Ever feel like you’re just looking to get through the day ahead, one hour at a time, and the rest of the week feels daunting or far off? Or like every unexpected turn in the day adds to an urgent and unsettling checklist? While these “survival mode” characteristics are more tangible and easier to describe, others include feelings of overwhelming anxiety, denial, avoidance, disconnection and numbness.

The city, and life itself, gives us plenty of good reasons to keep busy – so we think. It’s easy to justify our survival mode with all the great reasons to be just hanging on by a thread and avoid prioritizing ourselves (work, family, making time for our partner, dating, socializing, school, homework, check lists). Often by the time we’re done rationalizing or compartmentalizing our feelings away and committed to the art of survival, when we do tune back in, we find ourselves anxious, burnt out, stressed and sad.

Do some or all of the above sound familiar? Here are some tips to transition your survival mode to living and thriving mode:

Have a kind curiosity toward yourself, always. Ask yourself questions like, “is this relationship or job that is exhausting me, still serving me?” “Am I acting with love and empathy for myself, or only for others?”
Identify your needs and ask for help. This can be as simple as listening to your body or mind telling you something feels wrong, and moving from there. Often we forget that we’re not supposed to be doing it all on our own. Help is waiting when you need it!
Shake up your routine. Implement more things that feel colorful, creative or freeing, and shake off the dead skin activities that feel more obligatory or monotonous.
Take it slower. Not everything is urgent. The world won’t crumble if you take a mental health day, or don’t finish your to-do list on time.
Practice being mindful. Whether it’s mindful eating, breathing or noticing, bring some awareness to the here and now before it all passes you by. Often when we’re moving too fast from one thing to the next, we forget the purpose in coming to these things in the first place.

We have therapists here at Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness committed to helping you shift away from survival mode into a thriving mode. Experience relief. Call, text or email us.

Tags Mary Olivia Verhulst, Surviving vs. Living and Thriving

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3 Steps to Understanding Your Mental Health

Post author By Consultant
Post date 3:35 pm

Mary Olivia Verhulst

“I usually don’t talk about my depression, or that part of my life. I don’t want to let it define me.”

Symptoms that impede optimal mental health can feel like a debilitating, overwhelming battle, 24 hours of the day and 7 days of the week- but let’s not make the battle between our journey and ourselves. Being in the journey, as opposed to an outsider looking in or down on, allows for an entirely different experience: education, understanding, and compassion for ourselves.

In a world that offers resources on every corner, webpage, social media outlet, workplace or college campus, choose the option of understanding yourself in a way you haven’t before. Avoiding the realness of the symptoms that impeded mental health make it feel an enemy of sorts. Working on yourself provides insight to a world that is your own, and you can be part of it as opposed to an outsider looking in. You can welcome your challenges with the hope of learning new skills, healing and growing.

The goal of understanding your mental health is to learn to feel more in tune with your identity. Try the following steps to check in with yourself:

1.) Tune in. What are your symptoms? What are your feelings? What are your thoughts? All of these things are different- and none of them are who we are. Thoughts and feelings are temporary, but we must be able to process them in order to learn from them.

2.) Don’t compare your struggle or trauma to others. Often when we get in the business of comparing, we downplay our pain or struggle because ‘others have it worse.’ Trauma and illness are not a contest, and this won’t help rationalize your pain away. Your pain is real and deserving of time and attention.

3.) Consider help from a professional. Sometimes symptoms that impeded your mental health can leave us feeling helpless and hopeless- we feel as if we can’t fix this, no one can. However- as it turns out, we weren’t meant to do life all on our own, and there is hope for you. Support is here when you need it to explore the roots to your symptoms, develop coping techniques, and find relief in proactive solutions. People DO want to hear your story and help you regain control and thrive.

Experience relief. Call, text or email us. We are here to help. Contact us today for individual or couples therapy. If our clinicians are not the right fit for you, we can help refer you to someone that will be a good fit.

Tags Mary Olivia Verhulst, Understanding Your Mental Health

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8 Ways to Navigate Getting Mental Health Treatment Like a #Boss

Post author By Consultant
Post date 3:28 pm

Mary Olivia Verhulst

Therapy can feel intimidating when you don’t know how to navigate the system. However, the feeling of hopelessness that individuals face who can’t find the right help because they don’t know which questions to ask, or where to go, is too common and needs to be addressed. What’s going wrong, and what can we do as providers to help?

We’ve heard the horror stories. You finally work up the courage to find a therapist, and every email or call you place is met with one of the following:

“No availability past 5 PM”
“We don’t take your insurance”
Or worse no reply back!

Here are some tips on how not to get lost in the system:

Go in knowing what you need. This might be the hardest part- how often do we really have conscious awareness of our emotional and physical needs in a given moment? You don’t need to know everything going on with you – often that’s why we go to therapy in the first place. But take some time before you get on the phone to examine what your pressing needs are toward your mental health, and what barriers have been in your way. Simply stating I need help managing a recent break-up or I’ve been struggling with panic attacks or anxiety is enough.
Research the different types of clinics. Would your needs be best suited in a group, hospital, clinic, or a solo private practice setting? If your needs are not life threatening, you may imagine yourself in an outpatient setting or a private practice for one on one therapy.
Ask for resources and referrals – most practices have them! If your Google and Psychology Today profile hunt has hit a dead end, ask providers that you do reach for fitting referrals, such as “low cost resources in Manhattan”.
Get creative with your timing. Typically the after work, 5 PM to 9 PM time slots fill up quickly. Don’t forget to ask if there’s weekend availability, or lunchtime availability. Your standard psychotherapy session is 45 minutes. Is there room in your work day for an appointment? It’s important that you prioritize your mental health.
Try teletherapy. There are some providers and groups that may be able to offer secure video sessions. This may be a convenient alternative if your schedule presents as an obstacle.
Don’t get lost in the jargon of it all. Different theoretical approaches and perspectives to therapy can feel overwhelming and confusing to someone not in the field. Here’s a secret: You’re not expected to know! Ask your therapist what their approach means to them, and what it can mean for you in session. Often your curiosity and honesty will make for the best experience in therapy. After many years research has shown that the most important ingredient for therapy success is the fit or relationship between the therapist and patient so focus on whether the therapist is the right fit for you.
Insurance. This may be one of the areas with the greatest degree of difficulty. All insurance plans are required to cover mental health visits. The question becomes whether the provider is an in-network or out-of-network provider. Because insurance companies place numerous restrictions on providers many providers prefer not sign insurance contracts. Once you are able to speak to a provider he/she/they will be able to break-down all of the insurance details and other payment options.
Don’t get discouraged. While it is true that even in therapist haven NYC there is a shortage of therapists armed with this information you can find hope that you will find a good fit for your needs.

Experience relief. Call, text or email us. We are here to help you find the right fit. Contact us today for individual or couples therapy. If our clinicians are not the right fit for you, we can help refer you to someone that will be a good fit.

Tags Mary Olivia Verhulst, Navigate Getting Mental Health Treatment

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Invest in Therapy, Increase Your Income? A New Study Says So!

Post author By Consultant
Post date 3:00 pm

Mary Olivia Verhulst

It’s a common fact that if you invest your money wisely – you’ll become richer. But studies now show, this doesn’t always mean investing in the stock market. Investing in your mental health can make you richer too!

There are several mental, psychological and physical barriers that have been researched and explored that prevent individuals from ultimately seeking therapy. Stigma is often a significant barrier to getting the right care for their mental wellbeing. One topic that has received some recent spotlight in the field is money and therapy. A recent study looked at both the effects of psychotherapy on mental health measured via a general health questionnaire, and it’s relation to income. The British Household Panel Survey (BHPS) collected data between 1995 and 2008. This survey observed the characteristics and decisions of 2,943 men and 5,064 women. The participants were randomly selected so that they statistically represented a much larger UK population” (The Conversation Journal, 2018). Results showed clear findings that psychotherapy contributes to higher improvements and satisfaction in mental health, as well as, increased income.

Taking the BHPS research further, findings show that gender played a statistically relevant role in the data. As it turns out, men reported benefiting economically more significantly from psychotherapy services than women. Specifically, data showed that men experienced an increase of 13% in their income within the next year after consulting psychotherapy services, with women’s income increase at 8%. Of the 13 years of data that was examined, approximately 23% of women entered into therapy and 15% of men. This is all to say – men out there, if you are reading this (it’s not too late) – it’s not always the easiest thing to come meet with a stranger and open up about your feelings, but it’s worth it. If you can allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, you’ll be able to make improvements in several aspects of your life. Therapy is a strong and positive force to be reckoned with, and now one that translates into more confidence and increased income! Psychotherapy can also help to healthier relationships, increase motivation levels, productivity, and work-life balance.

One reason that may help explain the gender difference in increased income may be the gender wage gap decomposition. A decomposition is used to explain how factors affect the difference in earnings between men and women. Ultimately here the decomposition shows that psychotherapy accounts for 2% of the 5% difference between men and women’s boost in earnings – even though more women than men seek treatment. The article highlights an important and real phenomenon that is happening in this world still today, and cannot be fixed by psychotherapy alone, but by a system at large, and that is discriminatory workplace values.

So, what really qualifies as ‘richer’? If you’re someone who considers wealth to be emotional awareness, loving yourself, and a strong support system- therapy will hit all of these points. And if you consider wealth to be enough money in your pocket to thrive and be comfortable, looks like therapy has you covered there too!

Have more interest in this topic? Here’s the link (http://theconversation.com/psychotherapy-can-make-you-richer-especially-if-you-are-a-man-107628) the study.

Tags Increase Your Income, Invest in Therapy, Mary Olivia Verhulst

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5 Ways to Enjoy Self-Care Again

Post author By Consultant
Post date 2:21 pm

Mary Olivia Verhulst

Self-care is trending. Everyday there’s a new “change your life” technique involving organic face masks, bath salts, or a massage. In fact, it has become so trendy, it’s integrated itself into everyday conversation, and standard morning and evening routines for so many individuals. This is a great thing, ideally- but people are beginning to forget the purpose.

Does creating space everyday for self-care ultimately mean that you’re “good” at it? Are you getting the most out of your self-care routine? Creating time for yourself with the purpose of prioritizing yourself is not something to be good or bad at. However, there is a difference between setting aside time for ourselves because we think we should, or simply out of habit, and actually being present and immersed in our down time. It’s great to dedicate enough time for ourselves in the midst of a chaotic week, but it’s more important to focus on what we do during that time to cultivate peace, stability and curiosity. There is a loss of purpose when we take time for ourselves, but our mind is in eight other places when doing so. The key to effective self-care is to be mindful.

Mindful self-care increases our quality of “me time.” Craving tips for how to increase the quality of your self-care time? Try the following:

Examine your routine. Which parts do you still enjoy, if at all? Explore what’s working and what isn’t. Ultimately, if we are ever-evolving, our self-care routine should be too.
Implement new activities. If we know exercise works for us, but our typical cardio routine has become boring or outdated, what would a new bike riding or hot yoga class look like on Sunday?
Make a list of things you’ve been wanting to try during your “me time,” but haven’t gotten around to. Know that this kind of list is a fun list to check off over time, and that there isn’t an anxious need to do all of these activities at once, or at all. Keep these activities mindfully on the back burner for when there is time.
Try something different. Do we really need to be watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns? Time to begin engaging in the act of exploring something new, and stepping out of the comfort zone.
Reframe your self-care time. Instead of this being something you have to do for the sake of your sanity, what would it look like to make this time more joyful and worth setting aside for?

And always remember self-care can be no activity at all, simply sitting quietly for 15 minutes, no phones, no distractions, doing ‘nothing’ is also self-care. By trying these tips, it’s likely that your self-care routine can feel rejuvenated and revitalized. Try to enjoy taking care of yourself as the thing that you want to do again.

If self-care is something that you’re struggling with – Experience relief. Call, text or email us. We are here to help. Contact us today for individual or couples therapy. If our clinicians are not the right fit for you, we can help refer you to someone that will be a good fit.

Tags 5 Ways to Enjoy Self-Care Again, Enjoy Self-Care, Mary Olivia Verhulst

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5 Steps to Eliminate the ‘Should’s’

Post author By Consultant
Post date 8:52 pm

By Mary Olivia Verhulst

Have you found yourself thinking, “I should have a job already, I can’t believe it’s taking this long,” or “Everyone else around me has a partner. I should have found someone by now” or “I should be able to get on a plane without being afraid.”?

In the world of psychology and counseling, ‘should-statements’ are considered negative self-talk. They are a type of negative thinking pattern that contributes to fear and worry. This type of faulty thinking typically surfaces in phrases that include the words “should,” “ought,” or “must.” Using this negative self-talk often shuts individuals down and creates a world of isolation and disappointment. Ultimately, shoulds take away our autonomy to listen to ourselves and create a life without feeling societal pressure to live up to certain ideals.

There is also a societal pressure that by certain ages in our lives, we ‘should’ have accomplished certain life goals. For instance, the distorted misrepresentation that by age 22 we ‘should’ have graduated from college, created a five year plan, picked a career choice and should be finding/have found the ideal mate.

Allowing others to create an image of what we should be doing is a perfectionist ideal, and also contributes to countless self-defeating patterns and behaviors. It cripples our wellbeing one ‘should’ at a time. However, there are ways to decrease the shoulds in your life.

Eliminating the “Should”

1.) Pay attention to yourself. Start writing down every should statement that you can catch during the day.

2.) Identify your triggers. Jot down where you were when that thought occurred, and later make associations between the statement and the cue that allowed for it.

3.) Break down these statements. At its root, should statements are cognitive distortions. Ask yourself – is this realistic for my own individual circumstances? Am I being kind, and patient toward myself as I would a friend?

4.) Now, make them into more kind statements toward yourself- more realistic and positive. Repeat these as a mantra. Suddenly, our ‘should’s’ become simple possibilities, instead of failed expectations

5.) Prioritize your life. Try to stop asking yourself what you should be doing, and start asking yourself what is more important to you right now. Which one aligns with your values more? Specific context is important.

It’s time to stop should-ing all over yourself. The language you use to speak to others, and yourself, matters. By using more positive, accepting language towards yourself, you can elevate your self-awareness as well as signal to you and those around you that YOU are in charge of your own life.

If you’re struggling with should statements, we are here to help. Contact us today for individual or couples therapy. If our clinicians are not the right fit for you, we can help refer you to someone that will be a good fit.

Tags Eliminate the ‘Should’s’, Mary Olivia Verhulst

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5 Ways to Set Boundaries in Relationships

Post author By Consultant
Post date 7:48 pm

By Mary Olivia Verhulst

What are Boundaries

The concept of ‘setting boundaries’ seems controversial for many- but it is essential for all. Often when setting boundaries with a loved one, this conversation with friends or patients can be greeted with a sense of burden or fear. This makes boundary setting feel impossible – to take a deep, yet troubling relationship, and apply newfound rules that throw off the dynamic, or risk losing someone they love entirely. In our society, the term ‘boundary’, has been treated too harshly.

Boundary setting, in its essence, is identifying and honoring our own needs and limitations. This is not so much a malicious act upon another- but a fundamental obligation to ourselves. We must re-frame the way we have learned the phrase ‘boundary’, and ask ourselves what our emotional and physical well-being deserves, both in relationships and in life. By setting boundaries, whether they are personal, professional, or relationship boundaries, a sense of empowerment is gained. By realizing we need not be exposed to triggers, toxicity, or simply the feeling of being uncomfortable in a given situation, a sense of hopefulness may also be achieved in our lives.

5 Tips to Start Setting Boundaries In Your Life

1.) Identify your needs and the purpose of your needs. Knowing what purpose a need serves, or what the purpose of your boundary is, can remind you how valuable your mental health and well-being is to thrive.

2.) Be honest with yourself. Before you can get real with others, you have to get real with yourself. Try journaling what is bringing you down in certain scenarios and relationships, or holding you back in life. Sometimes this is as simple as answering the question “What feels wrong?” in the moment.

3.) Be direct – do not miscommunicate. No one else needs to know your purpose, but they do need to know what line should not be crossed in order to adhere to your boundary. Leave little room for misinterpretation; this can save you a lot of frustration.

4.) Focus on yourself. Don’t be in the business of fixing other people. This boundary is yours- not theirs!

5.) Have a support system – even if it is just you! Setting and sticking to a boundary can feel exhausting and intimidating. Remember to thank yourself, and reiterate why you are doing this. Ground yourself before you go into any troubling conversation, and soothe yourself when you come out with a breathing exercise or a reward. Here’s a good time to practice a self-care routine.

Identifying our limitations or boundaries in a relationship, work, or family dynamic can be difficult. Being honest with others is one thing- but being honest with ourselves can feel overwhelming.

If you’re struggling with boundary setting, consult with a therapist on the best way to navigate your situation. We are here to help. Contact us today for individual or couples therapy. If our clinicians are not the right fit for you, we can help refer you to someone that will be.