We all want to be liked and appreciated, but sometimes this can turn into an unhealthy behavior known as “people-pleasing.” Those who people-please often feel insecure with themselves or within relationships and so tend to put others before themselves. This means that they can find it difficult to set boundaries.
Other indications of people-pleasing include:
- Putting others’ needs above their own or reducing the importance of their own needs
- Saying yes even when they disagree
- Taking on the blame for things they didn’t do/that aren’t their fault, or apologizing too much
- Believing they have low self-worth
- Find that they rely on others’ acceptance and validation
Do you resonate with many of these points?
A counselor can guide you through healing these habits.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to work through your people-pleasing:
- Are your behaviors authentic and intentional?Only be kind and nice when you mean it, only agree with someone if you mean it, and only do something for someone if that’s truly what you want to do for them.
- Is your self-esteem or self-image low?Look for qualities within yourself that are admirable that don’t have to do with pleasing others. Focus on those qualities, and amplify them.
- Do you know how to set boundaries?The more you operate from a people-pleasing state, the more you let others take advantage of you, and the more you will resent them.
- When was the last time you prioritized yourself? This may feel excruciatingly difficult for people-pleasers, as it is not their norm. It will feel weird and difficult in the beginning, but over time, you will grow used to it.
- Do you wait for others to ask you for help, or do you automatically do things for people? While it is important to offer to help others, people-pleasers do this to the extreme and offer more labor than they have capacity for. Challenge yourself to allow the other person to ask you, before jumping in and offering your time and energy.
- Do your relationships feel reciprocal? It won’t always be 50/50, but we want to get close. If it’s not feeling that way, then it’s time to reassess your relationships.
- Ready to talk to your therapist about people pleasing? You can prioritize healing from people-pleasing tendencies and challenging negative relational patterns.